My husband really, really hated the “cute” themed article I gave him.

How to do it is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear how to do,

For our anniversary, I gave my husband for three years a nice little pink bow to wrap his penis. I thought it would be an excellent accompaniment to our lovemaking (the proverbial gift “package”).

Well he took a look at it and said it was “fucking stupid” and refused to wear it. What am I to think of his reaction? And how should I convince him to wear it? I think that would be so cute, and I’m a little baffled by it all.

-Packed up

Dear wrapped up,

Your husband doesn’t want his penis wrapped in a bow. You shouldn’t convince him to wear it.

If you’re baffled by his reaction, ask him. Considering the society we live in, it might not come as a huge surprise that he feels threatened by putting a pink suit on his penis. Go see your husband, when he’s calm and you have time to talk, and bring it up. Tell him it’s not planned, not something you are trying to make happen, but that you would like to know why he reacted the way he did. Listen to it and if you have caused harm, acknowledge it and then come up with ways to make it right.

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Dear how to do,

I am a man who has been with my wife for over 20 years and we have primary age children. From the start, there was a lag in libido, I needed physical privacy more than she from afar. We have faced this over the years with varying degrees of success and conflict. Over the past few years we’ve both improved a lot in both self-representation and active listening, so overall our sex lives are good, much better than they are. was at no time in the past. The libido gap remains, however, and it’s not uncommon for several weeks or even months to go by with “maintenance sex” once a week – which I enjoy a lot, but at the same time. time is not quite enough for me.

I have been thinking about the concept of ethical non-monogamy for several years, but various elements of life have prevented me from talking about it (see children, pandemic, etc.). I’m wondering about the idea of ​​trying out “cam girls” as that would provide physical distance, lend itself to an on-demand type of needs model, and the transactional nature makes it pretty straightforward from a point of view. view of emotional maintenance. I think I would like the interactive nature more than the recorded clips or photos.

However, here are my questions: are there any artist communities online where you can have transparency on how much money is actually going to the artist? Is there a way to ensure that the person on the screen is not coerced, trafficked, or exploited in any way? The choice to continue (maybe!) This type of service is, for me, favored by the way in which it maintains my security. But I don’t want to sacrifice the safety of the people I ask to undress on the internet, and I don’t want them to see most of the money they make siphoned off for exorbitant platform fees. Is this possible, or is exploitation built into the cam girl pie and I should find another solution?

—Cam Guy

Dear Cam Guy,

I want to take a moment to commend you for communicating, relying on the less libidinous partner, and finding ways to satisfy your own sexual desires. You did well here.

Most webcam sites and fan sites (large platforms that allow third parties to create their own feeds and content) have transparency with the content providers on the percentage they take. So even though it might not be listed in the consumers‘Terms of use, it is probably in the suppliers‘ Terms of use. OnlyFans – where I have an account, for the record – is taking 20 percent off, which has prompted other platforms to cut back. From a platform perspective, ZeroSpaces – the 18+ magazine I worked on for four years – pays around 13% in payment processing fees, plus $ 500 per year to Visa and MasterCard for the privilege. to process their cards, as well as accommodation fees and the costs of doing business in general. So 20 percent seems right.

But fees aren’t the only factor. Different websites have different content management processes, rules, creator support teams, and other details. So an artist may decide to go for a site that takes 30% but offers other benefits. Your best bet is to find an artist or worker you like on Twitter, Instagram, or Reddit, and interact with them on the platform they promote the most.

Trafficking and coercion are more delicate. Capitalism is coercive in the camera industry, as in any other. Most of us do things most of the time that we wouldn’t be doing if we didn’t need to earn money. Sometimes these things are more tolerable for the particular person. Sometimes they pay particularly well, but we wouldn’t do them, or wouldn’t do them the way we do, if we didn’t need the money. So there’s no way to avoid coercion entirely here. For the same reason, there is no way to completely avoid exploitation. Artists who appeal to you may work in teams in a camera studio and have little autonomy; they can depend on and give money to an agent, manager or real pimp; and they can have family or other loved ones straining their finances just like any other job. How much autonomy does an Amazon warehouse worker have? Less or more than the average camiste? it depends, right? There are nuances, and these things need to be grounded in the rest of reality. If an artist doesn’t seem to agree to be there, you are free to move into another room and you should. And if you see someone who looks like a miner, you should immediately say something to the site. Otherwise, use your best judgment.

Dear how to do,

In my sex life with men (I’m female), I’ve found that guys are constantly trying to do what I call the “jackhammer” – like going really fast, including getting so close. that they hit my vulva, etc. hips. The crash against my vulva is tolerable, but the other internal sensations are not. I find it unpleasant and try to keep it away from that kind of penetration, but it’s usually theirs to want to come back to it, especially when they’re about to end. I use lube, and it improves it, but that’s no near solving the problem. Is the jackhammer something guys can avoid? I want to be comfortable, but also someone who likes to please others.

—No time for the hammer

Dear hammer time,

Some guys need a jackhammer, whether it’s with a vulva or a hand, to have an orgasm. The main option is excellent. You can also hammer it with your hand while the head of their cock is in your mouth, or while the top half is in your vagina. They can hammer themselves. There are many possibilities for a jackhammer.

To determine which jack to hammer with, a conversation helps. “I am sensitive to high energy surges (in this or more specific ways) and prefer to avoid them. Vigorous seems like the best way for you to get off, however. Can we talk about it and figure out how to make it work for us? You could be wrong! They might be hammering because it’s what they’re used to, or because they’ve seen it in porn and never had any meaningful sex education. Start the conversation and you’ll have a better idea of ​​what’s going on and how you can get together in a nice way.

Dear how to do,

I am a young homosexual woman and have been with my partner for about seven months. Usually I really like the sex we have, but we have a problem when it comes to my partner speaking to me. My partner is currently being assessed for autism and has significant sensory issues. They find the smell of my vagina overwhelming. I know there’s a cultural baggage around the vagina, but I really don’t think that’s what’s going on here – my partner finds a lot of strong smells, even the pleasant, overwhelming ones. Other than completely revising my diet or taking a shower before having sex each time, how do we make this work?

—Full Oral-deal

Dear Oral-deal,

Great job of being understanding and looking at this from a problem-solving perspective. I have three ideas. I think eating a really strong mint might be enough to mask your partner’s smell, and there are oral strips that are meant to mask the taste as well. A dental dam would provide a physical barrier that would likely reduce the odor. And putting essential oils around the opening of their nose might help, too.

If none of this works, as your partner progresses with their assessment, they can learn other strong scent strategies that might apply here as well.

More How to do it

Last night I went on a date with someone I had met a bit spontaneously about a week ago. We were having a great time – natural conversation, very similar interests, just a great vibe. Normally I don’t click with people as easily, and I was so glad our connection didn’t start on an app, so I followed the vibe a bit more than I otherwise would have and I went back to his house. We slept together and it held up for the rest of the night. But in afterglow, he casually dropped the truth about the situation – and I’m so angry.

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